SATIRE: Self-taught online students now considered faculty members

In response to some of the protests around the nation due to teachers’ salaries, Northwestern State decided to act first before any sort of protests happened on campus and decided it was time to finally pay students who take online classes.

In this groundbreaking move, NSU announced they will pay online students $20 per week. Students will still have to pay for tuition, but now they’re only asked to dip their toes into the crippling debt that comes with student loans rather than fully dive into it.

Many students have rejoiced about the decision.

“This is great,” sophomore Vance McDonald said. “That’s like, what, $50,000 a year? I took my math class online last semester, and this would’ve been great. It’s not feasible to ask students to teach themselves everything for a class and pay for the class.”

The decision was made to help students pay for textbooks and any other type of materials they would also need.

“I honestly didn’t even know I needed a book for online classes,” freshman Samuel Sinclair said. “I just kind of looked up everything online. With this new program though, I’m sure I’ll buy it if I have enough money left over. My main priority is to buy some ‘Game of Thrones’ DVDs.”

Not all students are as ecstatic with the move. Some students prefer a regular class setting as opposed to online classes. Others claim the students taking online classes are receiving special treatment, or that the pay has come a little too late.

“I mean, this would’ve been nice to know sooner,” sophomore Craig Ferguson said. “I just made a long-term investment by selling my kidney to help pay off some of my tuition. If I would’ve known this was coming, I might have just sold my gall bladder.”

“I took one of those online classes once and hated it,” freshman McKenzie Graham said. “I spent all semester looking for it. I asked around and people said it was ‘in Moodle’ but could never find the building. I won’t be taking another one again and will be missing out on this.”

NSU has said they will collect money from other sources to pay online students as well. Some include previous free services now having costs. Toilet paper will now cost $5 to access, and seats in classrooms will now have “seat fees” and attached toll meters that must be refilled every 30 minutes.

Brian Jordan

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