SATIRE: Police Blotter

April 18

Complaint of Cardi B

  • 0212 hours
  • University Columns
  • Student asked to stop “eeeoowwwing”

April 19

Vehicle theft

  • 1835 hours
  • Chaplin’s Lake
  • Thief was a squirrel and drove car into lake; car didn’t sink due to silt buildup

Suspicious person

  • 2153 hours
  • Varnado Hall
  • Was actually mold monster (think Oogie Boogie from “The Nightmare Before Christmas”); defeated with Super Soaker shooting Pine-Sol

April 20

Noise complaint

  • 0814 hours
  • Caspari Hall
  • Floors are just so damn squeaky

Drug law violations

  • 2040 hours
  • DemonFest
  • Duh.

April 21

No criminal activity

  • Students in bed all day hungover

April 22

Animal sacrifice

  • 2226 hours
  • Greek Row
  • Initiation ritual; members asked to sweep carcass under rug where other secrets hide

April 23

Hit and run

  • 0305 hours
  • University Parkway
  • Victim dreamed Chick-fil-A opened and was sleepwalking to Neebo

Complaint of feces

  • 1002 hours
  • CAPA
  • Musical director has had enough of her students’ s—; left hot, stinking pile on stage

April 24

Drunk and disorderly conduct

  • 1857 hours
  • University Place II Lot
  • Student not under the influence; Sodexo food made him appear intoxicated
Alec Horton